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December 2006
Ask The Rabbis
When and how should Jewish parents discuss sex with their children?
Humanistic
The classic story: A little boy comes to his mother and says, “Where did I come from?” She gets flustered and nervous, but manages to give him a brief lesson in sex education. But the answer doesn’t satisfy the boy. He asks again, “But where do I come from—you know, where was I born?” “Cleveland” or “Boston” or wherever, was the answer he was looking for. It would have saved the mother considerable anguish had she figured out what he really wanted to know.
Parents should start discussing sex with their children when the child shows interest in learning about it. Each child has his or her own timetable. Parents are rarely the ones who need to start the discussion; children invariably take the lead. Parents ought to welcome and encourage their children’s curiosity, and give honest, direct, age-appropriate answers. They also don’t need to get ahead of themselves. Children usually just want simple responses. But not to worry: in due time, they’ll come back and ask for more.
Just the other day, my son, five, and his peers asked their teacher how babies were made. She immediately showed them pictures of embryos growing in a mother’s uterus. Apparently nobody asked how the sperm and the egg met up in the first place. But when the question comes up, we’ll be ready for it. Meanwhile, though, the teacher reported that the kids “made the connection that only a man and a woman can technically make a baby, which sparked a subsequent conversation about how same-sex parents have babies,” leading to even more talk about adoption and surrogate mothers. What a great teaching moment—all instigated by the children!
Rabbi Peter H. Schweitzer
The City Congregation for Humanistic Judaism,
New York, New York
Independent
When the children ask. Because if we don’t respond at that time, someone else will—a stranger, a peer, a book, a magazine. There is really no such thing as “an appropriate age.” As King Solomon put it: “Educate the child according to their [respective] path” (Proverbs 22:6)—meaning according to where they’re at. Each child is unique. The Talmud wisely recommends that parents stay alert to the child’s sensitivity around nudity in front of the parents, and that when the child displays the tiniest degree of discomfort, it is time for the parents to stop sleeping in the same bed with the child and from undressing or dressing in his or her presence, respecting the child’s privacy as well (Kidushin 80a and 81b).
How should we discuss sex with our children when the time is ripe? Delicately, openly, without fear. The emotion you display when you talk about it will forge the framework for his or her attitude toward it. Sex should be introduced for what it is, at least by Jewish teachings: beautiful, healthy and a gift from God. And, like all of our senses and emotions, it has a time and context. The time: when there is sufficient maturity to experience it in a wholesome way. The context: a committed relationship based on unconditional love and respect. You can tell your kids all about driving cars, but you would also explain to them that they will get the chance to actually drive several years down the road, not when they’re eight.
Rabbi Gershon Winkler
The Walking Stick Foundation, Cuba, New Mexico
Renewal
Sexuality, like other bodily functions, is seen as a part of Jewish life. We raise bodily needs to a sacred level through blessings. We learn the blessing for going to the bathroom at an appropriate age, and some rabbis even scribed prayers for loving. Establishing the normalcy of sexuality by having regular age-appropriate discussions about the body will allow parents to know how and when to discuss sexuality.
Because sexual curiosity and awareness is just one aspect of development, the nature of your conversations will change as the child develops and grows. Early discussions about sex should occur when children first venture into the world without direct parental supervision. Then we talk about comfort with touching: When is it OK to sit in the teacher’s lap? Can I hug my baby-sitter? Suppose I need help in the bathroom? The purpose of such talk is to help children be aware, without instilling fear. Parents use these opportunities to help children know when and how it is appropriate and not appropriate to touch.
Once trust is established, conversations with older children evolve similarly: Do you know about your body? Do you know how it works? Dealing with all physical functioning, not sex alone, is important to support a healthy relationship with sexuality. Including the child as a partner in such talk builds a sense of mutuality between child, parent and God, where discussions can be held from a position of truth and trust and not fear. When parents and children are partners, adolescents won’t need to rebel against authority and can come to the authoritative figure in their lives for assistance.
Rabbi Steve Silvern, chair of ALEPH: Alliance for Jewish Renewal, and professor of early childhood education at Auburn University
Rabbi David Zaslow, spiritual leader of Havurah Shir Hadash, Ashland Oregon
Reconstructionist
We are responsible for giving our kids the information they need when they need it. Regarding sex, in today’s society, that’s earlier and earlier. At an alarmingly young age, children must know the difference between a good and bad touch and must have the vocabulary and comfort level to discuss it.
Society sends mixed signals: Victorian and prudish impulses compete with newfound openness and immodesty. Neither extreme is healthy. Young children encounter tawdry and flaunted sexuality from TV, magazine ads and music videos. Yet, Jewishly, sex is a sacred, vital part of life. The very presence of the Bible’s erotic love-poem “Shir haShirim” (Song of Songs) speaks volumes. Biblical narratives and Talmudic discussions treat sex quite matter-of-factly. Medieval Kabbalah, and Iggeret ha-Kodesh, the “Holy Letter,” also show sex as natural and sacred.
To reclaim this naturalness and sacredness takes open, age-appropriate discussion from pre-K through adulthood. Early on, keep it short and straightforward. Let it sink in; when they’re ready for more, they’ll let you know. Discuss sex early, often and openly. Why? First, to correct what kids will “learn” anyway. Second, to break the cycle of discomfort; who doesn’t want their kids to enjoy a healthy, holy sex life (eventually!)? And finally, to save lives: For teens to accept their bodies and sexuality as they are, irrespective of weight or orientation, is a life-or-death-issue. So is condom use. And, no, “abstinence only” doesn’t work.
In short, overcome your ambivalence and discuss sex openly and early on with your children.
Rabbi Fred Scherlinder Dobb,
Adat Shalom Reconstructionist Congregation, Bethesda, Maryland
Conservative
I take the model of sex education from the Mishnah about the Passover seder. It says: “After pouring the second cup of wine, here is where the child asks questions. If the child is not able to ask, the parent tells the child what to ask. The parent then answers the questions, taking the child’s needs into consideration.” (Mishnah Pesahim 10:4).
This is excellent advice for many parent-child conversations. Ideally, the time to talk about sex is when your child comes to you with a question. But, if your child does not ask, and you are afraid he or she will get information from friends or from the Internet, from a perspective that you do not share, pre-empt that possibility by raising the topic yourself. Give your child information that he or she can assimilate at that stage of life. The first thing your child will realize is that you had sex in order to produce him or her. And that is good.
Since most of us do not know what words to use to explain sex to a child, an age-appropriate book is a good way to go. You can read the book with your child—mother and father together—and look at the drawings, some of which may be whimsical. The discussion need not be long and you don’t need to tell your child everything at once. But if you provide the basic Jewish notion of sex as pleasurable, as a deep form of intimacy, as not being a casual act, and if you advise your child of the need to treat the other person with sensitivity, you will set your child on the path to rewarding relationships.
Rabbi Judith Hauptman
E. Billi Ivry Professor of Talmud and Rabbinic Culture, Jewish Theological Seminary
New York, New York
Sephardic
The Torah is not ashamed to discuss any aspect of human life, including human sexuality. Its presentation of this dimension of our activity is frank and honest. Although the Torah teaches us the value of moderation and modesty in the area of sexual expression, it does not encourage us to develop feelings of guilt or shame about sexual desires or their fulfillment. The Talmud’s treatment of sexual matters is particularly remarkable for its candor and insight.
Following in the footsteps of this tradition, sexual discussion should not be avoided and should not be a source of embarrassment or discomfort for parents. The right time to engage in such conversations is whenever a child expresses curiosity about sex, no sooner and no later. The natural interest that children have in this subject should be neither condemned nor criticized; rather, it should be viewed as a vehicle by which we can educate them regarding the realities of life.
A parent’s primary responsibility is to be as honest and forthright as possible—no storks delivering babies, etc. If we allow ourselves to tell lies to children for “their own good,” we undermine their trust in us and end up causing substantial harm. We also teach them to be dishonest and disingenuous in their dealings with others.
Needless to say, a parent must respond to a child’s questions in light of what is developmentally appropriate—that is to say, what we communicate to youngsters must be offered in a way that the child can understand and appreciate.
Rabbi Joshua Maroof
Magen David Sephardic Congregation, Rockville, Maryland
Lubavitch Hasidism
The first question should be what is this sex that we are attempting to teach our children? Is it merely a biological phenomenon, a bodily urge, or is there something more to sexuality?
We often think of God as the great spoilsport of human sexuality—not its inventor—and the Torah as the great taboo on free Eros, not its grand supporter. This is a mistake. In the Kabbalah’s interpretation, the value and mystique of intimacy reaches unprecedented heights, and its full and liberated expression enormous validation, nay, sanctification. Sexuality, Judaism teaches, is the yearning to reunite man and woman, who were initially created as one in the image of God, as Genesis states, “God created Man in His image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”
Sexuality, when traced back to its original tide in the subconscious, is our longing to reunite with our second-half and consequently with God, for it is only when woman and man become one again, that they are re-formatted in the image of God.
Sexuality, then, is the holy of holies of the human experience, and it needs to be treated that way: With awe, reverence and profound sensitivity. Children need to feel the sacredness with which their parents regard sexuality. Then, when they grow older, they will treat their sexuality with the Divine respect it deserves.
Sexuality in our age has become so prevalent and free, that it has been depleted it from its sacred mystique; stripped it from its true power and meaning. Now, when couples get married, they often struggle to find excitement and wholesomeness in their intimacy, but to no avail, as it has been cheapened through years of hollow use.
We need a sexual revolution, from free sex to sacred sex.
Rabbi Yosef Y. Jacobson
Rabbinical College Chovevay Torah
Brooklyn, New York