Memo to Synagogue Membership by Jeremy Blachman

Dear Members:

Despite our best efforts, it is getting harder to draw young people to services. They think that just because they are fans of Judaism on Facebook, they don’t have to come to shul. So we have come up with a set of handy recruiting tips. Read carefully and commit them to whatever memory you still have.

• Young people nowadays don’t dress up to go places, including synagogue. There’s no need to point out the rip in their jeans. They know it’s there. They may have even paid extra for it.
• Not every young man is a perfect match for your granddaughter, no matter how pretty she is. And, yes, of course she’s pretty. And, no, it makes no sense that she hasn’t found someone. Who wouldn’t want to be married to a girl like that?
• Just because someone doesn’t look Jewish doesn’t mean he isn’t. And anyone caught checking if a young man is circumcised will be in big trouble (Are you reading this, Mrs. Leibowitz?).
• Gay no longer means happy. Being gay is also no longer a secret, so you don’t have to whisper. Two young men or young women who come to shul together might or might not be just friends. Either way, it’s none of your business.
• A tattoo does not mean that a young man or woman did prison time—even lawyers and doctors now get tattoos. If you notice someone’s tongue has an earring in it, she is in no danger of swallowing the earring. Don’t worry, she can still taste your delicious chopped liver.
• Rubber bracelets do not indicate a medical condition that paramedics need to be aware of. Yellow bracelets show support for a foundation started by a man who rides a bike for a living. Blue and white bracelets are available in the gift shop for a small donation.
• No one is a clerk or a stenographer anymore. Everyone is an independent documentary filmmaker, environmental entrepreneur or a search engine optimization specialist.
• Intermarriage: We don’t have to hate it anymore. If they come to the synagogue, especially if they’re under 40, they’re Jewish.
• These days, phones can do just about anything. If a teenager takes a tiny phone out of his pocket and tells you it can read your mind, he may not be kidding.
• Telling people you served in “the war” can be confusing. Be specific about which war you are talking about. Be advised: Most of the “young people” who went to Vietnam are now on Medicare.
• There are some Yiddish words that are still okay to say, but a few have outlived their usefulness. Good: kvetch, mensch, schmooze. Bad: schvartze, shiksa, faygele.
• Finally, you may not take the young people home with you, even if you find them adorable. They are intended for use by the entire synagogue and must be shared.
• See you this Shabbat —The Committee