Actually, if you ARE old enough, you do believe in genies, remembering that early-TV hit series “I
Dream of Jeannie” starring Barbara Eden as a beautiful 2000-year-old genie who is rescued from a bottle by an American astronaut and seeks to do his bidding. No, I don’t believe it was sexist; it was coy, just right for those comparatively innocent times. MS, thanks for the post!

Here are two stories about what happened to people who sought help for their problems:

(1) A young man went to a life coach. “I have a problem relating to others,” he said. “I never seem to be able to contribute to conversations at parties and other gatherings.”

The life coach nodded. “The thing to do is steer the conversations around to subjects that you are familiar with. Everyone has points of strength and areas of weakness. Once you do that, you’ll become popular. Tell me, are there any areas in which you excel?”

The young man smiled. “Horses,” he said. I grew up on a farm where I was in charge of grooming and feeding and training the ponies in the stables from the time when I was a small boy.”

“Good,” said the life couch.” “Next time you’re at a gathering, you’ll know what to do and you’ll never feel out of things again.”

A week later the man was invited to a party. He was ushered into a large room where a lot of people were gathered. A circle of people seemed to be talking excitedly about something. He maneuvered himself into the circle and listened politely until it seemed that the discussion was winding down. Then he suddenly thrust himself into the center and yelled, “SPEAKING OF HORSES …”

(2) A man and his wife visited a therapist. “We’ve been married for over thirty years,” the husband said, and making love has lost its spark. We want to know how we can make intimacy exciting again.”

“The thing to do,” the therapist said, “is to not make it routine, to get out of the rut of habit, to follow passion wherever it leads you.”

A week later the couple returned. “It worked!” the husband said excitedly. “We let ourselves be governed by our feelings, and we had a wonderful experience!”

The therapist beamed. “I am so glad that my suggestion worked for you.”

As the couple began to leave, however, the wife turned back timidly. “There’s just one thing,” she said.

“Oh?” asked the therapist.

“Her face dropped as she said in a soft voice, “We’ll never be able to eat in that Burger King again.” 🙂

MS, has Rabbi E.N. gotten to you again, equating my small request to delete some posts to the murder of radio talk host Alan Berg? Now I consider myself a nonviolent person, but if I could go back in time, there WOULD be one berg I’d try to destroy–the iceberg that sank the Titanic in 1912 in the North Atlantic, resulting in more than 1500 deaths.

The other Berg I would have helped if I could.

Peace, and thanks. 🙂

MS, an interesting question has been called to my attention, one that you might be able to answer: Have you been putting words into Rabbi E.N.’s mouth , or has Rabbi E.N. been pulling the strings when you speak? (There is, of course, a third possibility, that you and Rabbi E.N. have deep disagreements but try to present a united front.)

Since this is the season of teshuvah, I thought I’d ask.

Of course the answer will vary, depending on which one of you chooses to respond. 🙂

To GL: During World War ll, the Nazi leaders encouraged the burning of books by people they deemed degenerate. In fact they burned all Jewish books among others. You can burn books, but what have you really accomplished? Since no real out cry occurred in Germany, the Nazi thought they had tacit approval to kill and burn human beings. So to burn books or delete words is not what is most important, but to remember decent people and their lives is a mitsve. Therefore, we should never forget the Holocaust, or for that matter Alan Berg, or those poor souls who died on the Titanic. Then to say the fictitious character of Rabbi Elvis Nudnick has gotten to me is ludicrous beyond description. After all, I tried to explain this character to appease everyone concerned with the most delicate of descriptions. So, among mature adults, let’s agree not to pursue this discussion any more. Besides, you are more articulate and a more eloquent writer then I am, and as I readily admit my talents are limited.
Until the next cartoon caption contest, please enjoy your Labor Day Holiday.

To AS: This week’s “For Better or for Worse” Sunday strip starts with Elizabeth watching her friend Richard enjoying himself on the swing. In the first panel, Elizabeth asks, “Can I have a turn on your swing?” and Richard answers, “When I’m finished.”

The second panel: “Can I now?” Richard: “I’m not finished yet.”

Third panel: “But I been waiting a long time!” Richard: “I said when I’m finished.”

Fourth panel: Elizabeth turns away, crying.

Fifth panel: Elizabeth is sitting on the steps, eating an ice cream. Richard approaches: “Hi, Elizabeth.”

Sixth panel: He asks, “Hey, can I have a bite of yer ice cream?” She answers, “Sure!”

Final panel: Elizabeth finishes her sentence with, “… When I’m finished.”

Both kids are about seven, approximately your granddaughter’s age. In a humorous way, Lynn Johnston tackles issues that all kids are faced with, including not getting what one wants and establishing self-respect. I don’t think your granddaughter would be too young to enjoy the strip. She might get a good laugh along with the lesson that turnabout is fair play. Best wishes. 🙂

TO MS: I think that you took what I meant as humor as criticism. Nothing could be further from the truth. I never use humor as a way of making fun of anyone. Obviously my attempt at lightness here failed. Your writing doesn’t take a backseat to anyone, and your thoughts are always eloquently expressed. However, although I generally agree with everything you say (who wouldn’t?) I tend to take a lighter approach. One of my favorite Aesop’s fables describes a contest between the wind and the sun as to which one could get a man to take off his overcoat. The wind blew and blew and blew, but the man pulled the garment more tightly around him.. Then it was the sun’s turn. The sun simply smiled, and the man wiped his brow and quickly removed the coat. I even remember Aesop’s moral: “Gentle persuasion is better than force.” The world is wide enough to encompass many approaches and for us to be friends in. I look forward to many more of your always appreciated contributions. Please don’t stop!

There was a time when I taught classes for military personnel. One of the solders in my class had a mean disposition, and refused to study or pay attention in class. I did everything that I thought possible to encourage him to do better. But, his attitude was he was being trained to kill the enemy and that nothing else mattered. So, one day after repeated attempts to improve his life with education, he was livid. He said to me, “I am an expert on how to use my rifle, and I won’t hesitate to kill my enemies.” I perceived this as an attempt to intimidate me, or an indirect threat to me. But, I just looked at him and laughed in his face and said, ” I acknowledge your expertise in weaponry, and I trust you are ‘smart’ enough not to shoot yourself in the foot!” Such is the story of my life to use humor to mitigate most unpleasant situations. We should never allow ourselves to get “bent out of shape” to the point where we advocate unnecessary violence or revenge. (Just rambling on and on, “killing more time and space” until the next cartoon caption contest, if you will pardon the pun.)

MS: Have you thought of writing a memoir? Your experiences have been rich and interesting and you have much to share in a deep, thoughtful way. With excellent writing, I might add.

Back to humor. I have two Army stories, the first concerning an announcement that a general will be rolling in shortly for a platoon inspection. Platoon Sergeant Schwartz is called upon to prepare his troops. When the general arrives, he looks over the men. The first row is impeccable, trousers pressed, perfect posture, etc. The general is very pleased. Then he goes on to the second row. The men there are OK, but the shoes are not so shiny, the trousers a little wrinkled, the postures not so erect. Then on to the third row. There he sees a marked difference. The men are not as scrubbed and their uniforms not as clean and their postures slumped. The general is obviously displeased. “Tell me, Sergeant Schwartz,” he asks, “what did you do before you joined the Army?”

“Me?” the sergeant replies. “I owned a fruit and vegetable store.” 🙂

The next tale concerns Private Second Class Julius Adler, a meek and mild soldier who seems always to be called on the carpet by the Master Sergeant. Finally, after a severe tongue-lashing, Private Adler turns to his friend and says, “You know, I feel like giving that sergeant a piece of my mind again.”

His friend whirls around. “Again?” he asks.

“Yes,” Private Adler says. “I felt like giving him a piece of my mind yesterday, too!” 🙂

To GL: Thanks for your compliments. I only wish I could keep-up with your advanced skills and talents. Unfortunately, most of what I would like to offer is very raunchy and not suited for general audiences. But, I shall try to persevere with the following acceptable version of the following story. So, this farmer invited his neighbor over to witness his new amazing roster. He informed his neighbor that this specially bred roster can impregnate chickens faster and more efficiently than any roster ever born. His neighbor was obviously skeptical and said, “This I have to see to believe.” The boastful farmer said, “Watch this closely.” The farmer went to the enclosed area where the roster was housed and retrieved him. Then he carried the roster over to the hen house where there were 20 hens. He gingerly released the roster into the hen area. It was bedlam, as the roster impregnated the hens one after another without hesitation. The neighbor was overwhelmed with amazement to what he had just seen. As the feathers were still flying and landing on the ground, the next occurrence was that the roster lay prostrate on his backside and didn’t move. The farmer and his neighbor were horrified that the roster was dead from over exhaustion. They immediately went inside the large cage area and observed the roster. At their astonishment, the roster opened one eye with sort of a wink, and with his right wing pointed to the sky at the flock of buzzards hovering overhead.

MS: Don’t EVER feel that you have to “keep up” with anyone. You have your own beautiful style which is better than anyone else’s You are able to mix humor and serious confrontation without stumbling. You are a very brave man, making the soldier with deadly rifle expertise stand down while at some level you must have been scared. The closest I can come to your writing is Joseph Heller’s famous “Catch-22.” Your style, to be succinct, is first class.

MS: Strangely enough, the other writer that comes to mind when I look at your writing is the late 19th century American author Jack London, whose books are basically about a man who wants to confront everything in life, a man who relishes his adventures. Don’t downgrade yourself; you’re much, much better than you think.

To GL: With all your generous praise and accolades, maybe I should ask for some kind of compensation for what I consider now a “weepy eye” syndrome. My dreadful use of the word “persiflage” comes to mind when I describe my work, but not the work of great artists like yourself or others. If only I had a magic wand, then I could really make this world a better place to live. All I can offer are a few smiles and perhaps some positive suggestions to hopefully improve things. I am waiting for more mature people on this site to add their input with humorous contributions. We need as many people as possible to make me laugh and stimulate me to add more stories. If anyone is reading this, JUMP-IN.

Please join us for some heavy metal and challah after the service.

M.A. Resnik, why did you wait so long to submit? Your entry is GREAT but was submitted after the August 20 deadline and after the new issue of the magazine went to press. But if your caption is indicative of the quality of future submissions, your star will certainly shine very brightly here. I, for one, look forward to seeing your name again and again and again. Thanks!

It’s intermission here at the site, and while we wait for the lights to go on and a new show to begin, here’s a diversion. And here’s wishing everyone a blessed year!

In 1943 a reporter for the Associated Press was sent to Moscow to write an article on the public’s view of Joseph Stalin, the country’s premier and also the general secretary of the Communist Party. The reporter encountered an elderly man on the street and posed her question, “What do you think of Joseph Stalin?”

The man turned pale and peered around cautiously, looking behind to see if he was being observed. “Come with me,” he whispered to the reporter and took her into a nearby house. He led her down a double flight of stairs into a basement, made sure the basement door was locked, and directed her to the center of the room where he wouldn’t be overheard. Fearfully he came close to the reporter and, hands shaking, whispered into her ear.

“Joseph Stalin?” he barely spoke, and then paused again.

“”Confidentially, I like him.”

I just re-read my previous post and realized that lights are ON during an intermission, not off, and dim when the performance resumes. Sorry for the goof, but the story it introduced was amusing, at least to me. Peace! 🙂

Another story the above reminds me of: At the end of World War II, the Soviet Army forced the Nazis out of Poland. Stalin was determined to dominate the country and impose communist rule. On a street corner in Warsaw, an agent from the Moscow Kremlin addressed a large crowd, exhorting all the Polish citizens to accept communism and Soviet rule. “Under the new system,” he shouted, “this country will prosper, and you will be well fed and happy. With the new means of production, you will have to work only one day a week, say, Wednesday.”

The hand of an elderly member of the crowd shot up. The man stared at the speaker with great displeasure and yelled, “EVERY Wednesday?” 🙂

No cartoon yet? Oh well, then. Time for one more tale, in the same vein as the two told above. 🙂

In 1939 the Slovak Republic had a pro-Nazi government and initiated a series of measures designed to make life difficult for the hated Jews. In the capital, Bratislava, there was a popular butcher shop. But deliveries had become relatively infrequent as the war raged around the country and supplies were limited.

On this particular day, there was a very long line of people waiting for the latest shipment of meat. After two hours, one of the butchers came out and said that there wouldn’t be enough meat to accommodate all those waiting, so all Jews on the line would have to leave. After four more long hours the butcher emerged again, and this time told the weary crowd that there would be no meet delivery at all so that the entire crowd would have to disperse.

As the people straggled away, one man turned to his friend. “No wonder our government doesn’t like Jews,” he said. “They always manage to take advantage. Even today they had the good luck to walk away with nothing after spending only one third of the time!”

‘How long will I have to stand here and listen to that #@% music? I haven’t even been able to deliver my sermon. By now a new cartoon should have replaced us.” 🙂

“And you shall strike the rock.”

ACORNy Rosh Hashanah treat.

SN: Congratulations again! By the way, I myself voted for your entry, so I guess that makes me a winner, too! 🙂 (I wish I were as lucky in picking investments.)

Let us hear from you more.

“Mrs. Rubenstein, this bag of acorns is a gift from our family to yours in honor of your son’s bar mitzvah. It’s to ensure that his future will be A-oak-kay.”

“Acornucopia to start the New Year!”

AS: You spoil it for everybody else by being so clever, especially so early in the competition, and I bet you don’t even feel guilty about it.

P.S. Your submission, i suppose, means that your granddaughters have gone, leaving you in peace and, perhaps, a little lonely.

Glad you’re joining us for company. Come again. 🙂

“‘A. Kohn’s, and company!'”

They’re from Washington, in case you need more nuts.

Shofar so good.

“I just overheard a highly placed Cabinet member tell his intern that if Congress had any of these ‘they wouldn’t hesitate to do what needed to be done’, and then the intern shook her head and mumbled something like ‘you need to find a new metaphor’.”

To Dale Stout, MWP (Master of Wordplay):

Congratulations on the new degree you’ve earned. If to celebrate your accomplishment, I sent you a bowl of the very same nuts that are in the cartoon, would you consider it acorn-y gift?

Or this acorn-y pun?

At any rate, you’re a wise man and, to vary a well-known proverb, award to the wise is sufficient.

(Ouch! If the pun police do knock on my door, I’m not going to answer.)

MS: OMG, the pun police are not the worst things for me to worry about. In my haste I plagiarized your clever puns and without giving you proper credit. Do I face a bloodthirsty intellectual property lawyer in my future?

Honestly, I’m sorry for the oversight, but take comfort in the fact that there’s nobody more worthy of being plagiarized than you, with your rich humor and the inventiveness of your prose. Nobody would want to steal from a poor man.

But luckily we’re in the season of Teshuvah. Am I granted forgiveness on this Day of Atonement? According to custom, I have to seek it from the person I wronged.

And may I make a comment as to the handling of the new cartoon? We shouldn’t think of the creatures as squirrels. They’re just a typical Jewish family with a name like Cohen or Abrams or Samuels, and they live in a nice apartment (which just so happens to be in a tree). What is the occasion for the beautiful gift of nuts? A bris? A wedding? A get? Where is the mezuzah at the entrance to their apartment (I believe that was Dinah Rokach’s great caption in an earlier contest involving a rabbit who suddenly emerged from a rabbit hole; thanks, Dinah).

Anyway, you always enrich the site and pass your wonderful humor on to all of us. Many thanks for being here, and all blessings for a truly good year! And blessings to us all.

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Ginsberg, the nuts definitely have OU kosher certification.”

What is actually missing with the squirrel cartoon is a bottle of kosher wine from Israel. After all, with a hard nut to crack, you need a good wine to soften the crunch. As the saying goes, “A day without wine is like a day without sunshine.” I might add, “A day without a hard nut is like a day without a chipped tooth.” So, if you don’t have wine, then ACORN whiskey will do. Well, in a few words, that’s the story in a nutshell!

Ouch!!! It can’t be a coincidence that the first three letters of the word “punishment” are “pun.”

I would have brought honey crisp apples, but they’re too darned expensive!

The word “punctilious” (adj.)–“punctiliousness” (noun)–“punctiliously” (adv.) also by coincidence have the first three letters “pun” in the beginning of the words. The dictionary explains the definition as, “Very careful about behaving properly and doing things in a correct and accurate way.” (Syn. meticulous, scrupulous, careful, and punctual.) Words that I cherish to guide my life on a daily basis.

I got these at the Wailing Walnut.

Was our fasting too fast?

There is a time to gather and a time to chatter.

#Nuts!

Thanks, Dale, for your input which inspires me to write the following:

It seems to be a squirrely day in the neighborhood with many “nut cases” abounding. (If this applies to anybody’s life, then you should seek help immediately.) So, as “nutty” as it may sound, enjoy today in good health and “nuts” to your enemies, as was the case in World War II at the Battle of the Bulge.

Thanks, Marvin – your “Squirrelly Day in the Neighborhood…” reminds me a bit of Mr. Rogers. I think there was a commander in WWII that once said “Nuts!” to surrendering- so there’s no turning back. Thanks

“Congratulate me, dear. I hit a big slot jackpot in one of the casinos in Las Vegas, and look what came out!”

The perfect gift for one who is chewish.

Look what I found on the Goldberg’s sukkah!

Scott Evans, you are the absolute master of the one-liner, and your latest submission proves my point without question. Keep ’em coming, along with your books! (Have you ever tried stand-up?)

Yes, but don’t they look Jewish?

Happy Han-nut-kah to You!

In a new book, Max Brod, a friend of Kafka’s, is described as “a man inclined to search out greatness in others.” I too am happy to cheer on and learn from a great submission , a new way of expression, a neat turn of phrase. And that’s why I come to praise one of our new contributors, Scott Evans.

Oscar Wilde, the Irish poet and playwright of the 1890’s, was widely praised for both his conversation and his epigrams, such as “Nothing exceeds like excess” and “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Well, we don’t have to go back to Oscar Wilde. Here are some of Mr. Evans’ aphorisms:

(1) “All that must happen for evil to fail is for good people to do something.” (This calls to mind the statement by Robert Oppenheimer, the renowned physicist and director of the Manhattan Project: “It is perfectly obvious that the whole world is going to hell. The only possible chance that it might not is that we do not attempt to prevent it from doing so.”

(2) “To all my atheist friends: Happy Nothing!” (I’ve always thought that an atheist is a person without any invisible means of support.)

(3) “Sideburns should be called ‘earbrows.'”

(4) “We need to build a wall–between money and congress.”

(5) “When life poops on you, hey, free manure.” (Aren’t the most beautiful flowers rooted in excrement of one sort or another?)

(6) “The world is bipolar.” (Genesis tells us that God created the heavens and the earth, splitting into two what once was one–creating the schizophrenic world we live in.)

Mark Twain once wrote, “I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.” It takes more time and acuity to condense our thoughts. Scott Evans is a man of few words. But every word shines with intensity and compresses mountains.

Thank YOU, Scott.

“Two words: acorn latkes.”

Some comedians distort or caricature reality to get their humor. For example, Rodney Dangerfield once told how bad a driver his wife was. “The other day she smashed into a light pole. When I asked her how come, she said, ‘It wasn’t my fault. I honked first.'” Presumably this would’ve given the light pole time to get out of the way. Other comedians, like Jerry Seinfeld, have made fortunes by displaying reality as it is, without much embellishment at all.

These comments segue into two real-life tales. I was walking on a crowded street the other day. In front of me were a young couple who were talking animatedly. We all reached the red light and stopped. The guy suddenly turned to the woman and, in a loud voice, said, “I love you, I love you.” And she turned to him and said, “Don’t threaten me.”

Could anybody have made this up?

One more bit of reality: Days before Donald Trump’s inauguration, Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus announced that “the greatest show on earth” would be closing after 146 years. Did it somehow know that it would soon be upstaged by a new, free Donald Trump Circus unlike anything else the world had ever seen?

In the immortal words of Puck, “What fools these mortals be!”

Including myself, of course.

Stephen Nadler, welcome back from premature hibernation. Are you somehow related to Calvin Coolidge?

Calvin Coolidge, our 30th president, was known as “Silent Cal” because he was a man of few words. One evening, at a dinner, a woman came over to him and said, “Mr. President, I made a bet that I could get you to say more than two words. President Coolidge then looked at her and said, “You lose.”

(Personally, if I could get to utter only two words, I doubt that they would be “acorn latkes.”) 🙂